I recently came across a formula for successful change: D + V + F > R. For any change to work, our D (dissatisfaction with the status quo), V (vision for a better future) and F (first steps that are doable) have to be greater than R (our resistance). Apply that to our New Year resolutions and for us to succeed, we need to be clear with ourselves as to “why” we want the change to happen, we need to envisage “what” will be different and we need to plan the “how” (with small, measurable steps).

I would add an S for support to the formula. It is a great help to have someone (whether it is a friend, spouse or coach) to give us encouragement, accountability and the odd kick up the backside when needed.

I also think we need to cut ourselves some slack and not give up at the first sign of failure. Too many of us take the “all or nothing” approach to resolutions and we therefore surrender at the first bite of forbidden chocolate cake, a missed gym appointment or a budget overspend. It is good to remember that change is a process and it is OK to mess up. The important thing is to give yourself another chance until the change you want to make becomes a habit.

So I’ll let you into a secret. I don’t make resolutions any more. Instead, I use the whole of January to take stock. My husband David and I go into a form of hibernation. We decline invitations (not that there are many in January), don’t entertain and we quit watching DVDs. With the spare time that we gain, we focus on getting our house in order, thinking through our priorities and deciding what we want the year ahead to be about.

We also use the time to give ourselves a quick relationship MOT. We check on how we are doing as a couple and also reflect on whether we are giving enough time to the most important people in our lives.

Perhaps as 2010 draws to a close, you, too, may want to reflect on your relationships. If you haven’t read it, my book, Authentic: Relationships from the Inside Out, is a good way to give your relationships a general check-up. But if you want to get started now, here are 10 points you could do to make a positive investment in your relationships. Try one or all 10, and I’m certain you will see healthy returns from all your efforts.

1. Take time to work out your priorities. Too often we spend time on the urgent at the expense of the important and we find our loved ones are left with the dregs of our time, energy and focus. Why not decide who or what is most important to you and make sure that they are getting the attention they need? It may sound contrived, but booking in time in your diary with your favourite people is the only way to make sure that the days or weeks don’t pass without you spending quality time together.

2. Increase your amount of “face-to-face” time. Next time you are tempted to email your work colleague at the next desk or text your friend who lives around the corner, resolve to talk to them in person.

3. Limit your criticisms. If you have something negative to say to someone, make sure you match it with at least five positive points. Negative comments stick much longer than nice ones, so you need to input a lot more positive ones if you don’t want the balance of your relationship to go into the red.

4. Learn from your anger. Anger is like an alarm system: it is telling you something is wrong. Pay attention to it and ask yourself what is the cause. Is it something someone has done to you or is it indicating a problem within yourself that you need to look at? Sometimes our anger tells us more about ourselves than the apparent target of our wrath.

5. Practise being a good listener. When we really listen to another person, we offer them a great gift. It demonstrates that we want to understand them better. If someone tells you something important, try to refrain from interrupting, giving advice or bringing the topic back to “you”.

6. Take responsibility for your actions. When relationships go wrong, it can be tempting to blame the other person and to focus on all the ways that they need to change. The truth is we cannot make another person change, but we can alter our own reactions and behaviour. It only takes one to change the dynamic in a relationship.

7. Be prepared to say, “I’m sorry” – and mean it. It can be a hard to admit when we’re wrong or when we’ve messed up, but when we do – it opens the door to healing in relationships and also to greater depth.

8. Show your appreciation. No ones likes to be taken for granted and most people can’t mind-read, so if you are thankful that someone is in your life or for the things they have done for you, tell them. Even better write them a proper letter – one with a pen – so that they can keep it and re-read it.

9. Take the initiative. Whatever change you want to see in your relationships, start by taking the initiative. If you want your partner to love you better, then show them love in the way they would like to receive it. If you are single and want to go on a date, ask someone out. If you are lonely, reach out to someone else who also might be feeling lonely. In other words, treat others, as you would like to be treated.

10. Let your “no” be “no” and your “yes” be “yes”. If you say, “yes” to something – to helping out, to keeping a confidence or to taking the rubbish out – keep your word. And if you are someone who says “yes” when you really mean “no”, then don’t give an answer under pressure. Tell the person that you’ll think about it and then get back to them. Too many relationships suffer and too many people get stressed because they cannot say “no”. If that is you, saying “no” more often could be this year’s resolution.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all your support, questions and letters and also to let you know that, sadly, this will be the final InsideOut column in the paper. From the new year, it will be moving online. I do hope you will join me there and that you will continue to contribute with your questions, comments and advice.

Wishing you all a very happy New Year.

Tags: alarm-system, attention, book, change, diary, house, initiative, inside, life, person, priorities, relationships, time, words, work