Peter Siddle flashes that winning smile. Photograph: Hamish Blair/Getty Images

Preamble Preamble? Australia 98 all out. England 157 for nought. There’s your preamble!

“Come on Rob,” says Vicki Prout. “Have frozen my proverbials off wandering round a French mountain village in the vain hunt for anywhere showing ‘le creekette’ but to no avail, so OBO over to you, come on I want to get excited!” You want to get excited? Just leer at this all day!

Oof, wrong link. This. I meant this. Leer at this. (Also, if you tell us which French mountain village we might be able to give you duff information as to where you can watch the cricket.)

“While you’re dishing out the info,” begins Greg Smart, “does anyone have any idea where I might be able to see some cricket in Cartagena, Columbia (preferably this Test, not just any cricket)?”

Pessimism department This isn’t over, you know. It’s not. It’s going to swing round corners this morning, Australia will locate Mitchell Johnson’s ‘G’ spot and England will do well to make 160. “It is effing horrible here today,” says Lord Selvey. “I am dressed in T-shirt, shirt, weatherproof jacket and woolly hat. And I’m in the press box. Blowing warp factor 9 on the Beaufort, pewter sky and flurries of rain. Just like Derby again.” Please tell me Booth arrived in his string vest, hotpants and flip-flops expecting a scorcher.

48th over: England 158-0 (Strauss 64, Cook 81) It’ll be Peter Siddle to begin. He was Australia’s best bowler yesterday but surely you’d want the fuller bowlers, Harris and Hilfenhaus, in these conditions? That said, he’s not as stupid as he looks – that’s biologically impossible – and he finds a full length from the start. After leaving a few, Cook works the last delivery off middle stump for the first run of the day. “This thing called ‘a first-innings lead’ agrees with me, particularly after Perth,” says Sara Torvalds. “And it’s cosy to know that odds are really good that will soon be improved and become ‘a substantial first-innings lead’ or even, the way Cook has been batting, ‘a record-breaking Ashes first-innings lead’. So tell me: what would it take for England to get the latter?” I know this has been an almost uniquely Statsguru-bothering series, but I’d say that particular record is safe.

49th over: England 158-0 (Strauss 64, Cook 81) A maiden from Harris. Australia have been told to bowl fuller by their coach Tim Nielsen, and they are certainly doing so. But the ball hasn’t really done anything in the air or off the pitch yet. Cook is 19 away from becoming the eighth Englishman to make three hundreds in an Ashes series. It’s a list that contains some pretty impressive names. I can’t believe it’s eight years since Michael Vaughan’s Ashes mirabilis. I’m not sure I’ll ever see an Englishman bat that well again. The phrase ‘to die for’ could have been invented for his strokeplay in that series. “I have spent the last hour watching a distinctly dodgy French dubbed Swedish film about some 12th-century knights,” says Vicki Prout. “I am in Chatel, very nice too, apart from the despite lack of cricket. Unless anyone else out there knows better?! PS If you get any emails from a certain Colin Walker ignore him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he? I’m psychic.

50th over: England 158-0 (Strauss 64, Cook 81) The sun is starting to creep out, which is good news for England. Australia’s length has been better this morning but their line has been just a touch too wide. Strauss is able to leave two or three in that Siddle over and defends the rest. That’s good batting in the first part of the day, and it’s another maiden. “Given Mike Selvey’s comments on wind and TMS speculating about the force needed for a stray sombrero to tack against, how powerful is it?” says John Starbuck. “Enough to affect the bowling? Maybe, if not a full Fremantle Doctor, at least a paramedic?”

51st over: England 159-0 (Strauss 64, Cook 82) Cook works another one off middle stump for a single, this time off Harris. Miss those and you are dead, but he hasn’t missed much in this series. “Fab insight from Lord Vaughan on TMS where he ‘assures’ us Punter’s form is compromised by other concerns including his future career,” says Richard Read. “Vaughan draws comparisons with his last few knocks as captain where ‘the game is telling you something’. Any ideas on what the game is saying to Ricky right now? I’d like to think the game is saying “bowl Johnson all morning”.” I read Vaughan’s autobiography recently – the library was all out of Pelecanos – and the chapters on his last 6-8 months as an England player, and the negative impact it had on every aspect of his life, are fascinating.

WICKET! England 159-1 (Cook c Watson b Siddle 82) Alastair Cook misses out on his third century, but there’s no shame in falling to a fine delivery from Peter Siddle. It was angled across, seamed away a little and found the edge as Cook pushed forward defensively. The ball flew low to first slip, where Shane Watson just held on with both hands. That was an excellent piece of bowling. I told you it was a mistake to open the bowling with Siddle!

52nd over: England 161-1 (Strauss 64, Trott 2) Trott drives a couple through the covers to get off the mark. “Sadly, Vicki is my girlfriend,” says Colin Walker, choosing his words carefully, “and I can confirm that she knows next to nothing about cricket. While the rest of us will go moist at the sight of that scorecard, for Vicki it will result in a catatonic paralysis as the Magic Roundabout theme tune reverberates around her confused mind. She’s tried to be all clever by getting published on the OBO knowing full well that I have tried, and failed, on many occasions. Sadly, its worked. Damn you!”

53rd over: England 163-1 (Strauss 66, Trott 2) Harris has a strangled shout for LBW against Strauss. It pitched outside leg, but Australia have started well this morning. If they can bowl England out for, what, 350, we’d have a pretty interesting last three days. Strauss then works two off his pads. “I received a spam email addressed from you yesterday,” says Ian Copestake. “It directed me to a slimming product of some sort. So not only are the Guardian not paying you much overtime but you think I’m fat.” Ah yes, sorry to anybody who received this. My computer went a little doolally. Either that or I must learn to stop rambling about my love of acai berries.

54th over: England 163-1 (Strauss 66, Trott 2) Siddle beats Trott with a good lifter outside off stump. Australia have a number of theories as to how to get Trott early, chiefly the short ball and then LBW whipping around a full, straight delivery. Anyway, that’s a maiden from Siddle. Australia’s discipline have been excellent this morning: seven overs have produced six runs. Bowling dry is the new bowling wet. In other news, I took this acai berry stuff that is honestly fascinating!! Im feeling amazing from the 1st day I’ve been using it! It’s true, scientists have come up with a way to lose body-fat which gives results and is incredibly healthy for people! LOLZ!

55th over: England 169-1 (Strauss 69, Trott 5) There’s that full, straight delivery to Trott but – as with the same delivery to Ponting in his pomp (remember the first innings at Edgbaston 2005) – it’s a gamble because you know that he will nail the shot 19 times out of 20. And Trott does so here, easing a couple through midwicket. “I’ve just had a massive fight with my flatmate,” says Ash Roberts. That’s okay. I mean we don’t condone violence here at the Guardian but we understand that sometimes two men can resort to fisticuffs over something as important as an Ashe- “She wouldn’t let me put the cricket on the TV. I’m now sulking in my room listening to the radio instead. Why doesn’t she understand how important this is?!”

WICKET! England 170-2 (Strauss c Hussey b Siddle 69) This is a bit of a snorter from Peter Siddle. Strauss is turned round by a nasty lifter on leg and middle, and the ball flies off the shoulder of the bat towards backward point, where Mike Hussey leaps and extends his telescopic arm to take an outstanding one-handed catch. I told you Siddle shouldn’t have been on this morning!

56th over: England 170-2 (Trott 6, Pietersen 0) Siddle’s figures are now 15-6-17-2. He has been superb.

57th over: England 171-2 (Trott 7, Pietersen 0) Hilfenhaus replaces Harris, who bowled a nice little spell this morning. I assume this is for Kevin Pietersen, who has had a few problems with Hilfenhaus in the past. For now it’s Trott to face. It’s a good over, in that Trott is forced to play at all but the first delivery. He steals a quick single off the last ball, and that’s that. “Patriotically (despite being Scottish), I’ve been avoiding using any Australian hair products for the duration of The Ashes,” says Ryan Dunne. “But I could really do with breaking out the Fudge hair varnish to lift some Boxing Day frizz. Safe to chance it after Australia’s collapse yesterday?” If you put so much as a particle of that waxy fragrant goodness on your head, there will be hell to pay.

58th over: England 172-2 (Trott 8, Pietersen 0) It seems strange to say this about a man who whapped a career-best score two Tests ago, but Kevin Pietersen still has plenty to prove. He fails far too often these days, and he’s lucky not to get a duck there when he fences needlessly at Siddle and edges short of slip. “She’s gone to bed,” says Ash Roberts. “Back in business.” This isn’t going to end well, is it? I hear gumtree.com has some decent deals.

59th over: England 175-2 (Trott 9, Pietersen 2) Hilfenhaus beats Trott with one that shapes back in, but it was too high and his LBW appeal was caught in the throat. Pietersen then gets off the mark from his 11th delivery, working two off the pads. “I have some sympathy for Ash Roberts,” says Matt Delargy. “My daughter just woke up, took one look at the TV and mounted a brief but emphatic campaign to switch to Peppa Pig. At midnight! We shouldn’t be having these kinds of squabbles during the witching hour.”

60th over: England 188-2 (Trott 13, Pietersen 11) That’s the shot of the morning from Pietersen, who times Siddle down the ground for four. The next ball goes to the boundary as well, but it was flicked in the air and only just wide of the diving Clarke at midwicket. Trott completes an expensive over – 13 from it – by pinging three more through midwicket. That might have been one over too many for Siddle; it was his seventh of the morning. “Tell Vicky that she should head to the hotel Lion d’Or and ask the bar staff there to put the cricket on,” says Andrew Levitt. “I used to work there a few years back, and we showed not only the cricket, but also some very tense Vauxhall Conference matches involving Forest Green, and other international footballing mega-brands. The staff training was as follows: if you answer the phone, and someone is speaking French – ask them if they speak English. If they keep speaking French – hang up. The English were loved in that town. Oh yes.”

61st over: England 188-2 (Trott 13, Pietersen 11) A maiden from Hilfenhaus to Trott. Time for drinks. “You’ll be pleased / disappointed / indifferent to hear that I rejected the generous OBO readers’ suggestion and have stayed in with my dial-up internet,” says temporary Berliner Kat Petersen. “Also, every time we’re batting and I’m in a taxi we lose Strauss early. So I’m doing it for the team.” Worked out well, eh?

62nd over: England 193-2 (Trott 17, Pietersen 12) It’s time for Mitchell Johnson. He has two right-handers to bowl at, but there’s no sign of inswing in that over. Pietersen takes a quick single into the covers, Trott works a short one off his hip for two but is then surprised by one that rears from just short of a length. He gets on top of it but it wasn’t played comfortably. Five from the over in all, so Johnson (8-0-47-0) is now going at less than a run a ball. “How does this team compare to the 2005 side?” asks someone whose email I’ve misplaced. I reckon if you were picking a composite team – based on an 18-month period for each team (March 2004-September 2005 and July 2009-December 2010), you might end up with something like: Strauss 2005, Trescothick 2005, Vaughan 2005 (c), Bell 2010 (not ideal at No4, I know), Pietersen 2005, Flintoff 2005, Prior 2010, Swann 2010, Anderson 2010, Jones 2005, Harmison 2005. So only four of this team, but then this team are much more than the sum of their parts. I confidently expect that nobody will agree with my selection.

63rd over: England 193-2 (Trott 17, Pietersen 12) Hilfenhaus is bowling dry – I can’t get that phrase out of my head now, despite (or probably because) it is a bit uncomfortable. There’s a touch of reverse inswing to Pietersen, who defends pretty solidly. A maiden. “Re: 59th over,” begins Gary Naylor. “Mr Delargy’s daughter’s hankering after Peppa Pig may be accommodated by Steve Smith coming on to bowl just before lunch.”

64th over: England 193-2 (Trott 17, Pietersen 12) There is some light rain in the air, although not enough to bring the players off yet. Johnson bowls a much needed (for him, not the team) maiden to Trott. “Although you weren’t on when I emailed yesterday you’ll be pleased to hear that Daily-Mail-Reading-Dad ran to the computer here in the Cayman Islands for today’s Guardian online OBO,” says Annemarie Elsom. “I think we’ve won him over… the tides are turning!! Let’s hope the same isn’t true for the Australian team…” Give it three sessions of this and I know where he’ll be going tomorrow night.

65th over: England 196-2 (Trott 17, Pietersen 15) Hilfenhaus swings one onto the pads and Pietersen works it through midwicket for three. Good shot. Those are the only runs of the over. It’s fairly attritional cricket, with Australia bowling dr keeping it tight and England’s batsmen playing respectfully in view of the quality of the bowling. “Re: your composite team – agree with 9 out of 11 but I’d have Thorpe 2004 over Bell 2010 and Hoggard 2004-05 over Anderson 2010,” says Arron Wright. “Thorpe must have averaged 60-odd and won Tests against WI in Bridgetown and NZ at Trent Bridge, as well as making a hundred in Durban and telling Nass to man up after he ran Strauss out in the famous Test at Lord’s. Meanwhile no post-1981 English bowling performance matches Hoggy at Johannesburg.” The trouble with Thorpe is that he could no longer bat No4, so it was him or the 2005 Pietersen (who also couldn’t bat No4). I know 2010 Bell bats No6, but there’s no logical reason why he couldn’t bat No4. Anderson and Hoggard could go either way. I just think Anderson has improved so much and is a pretty masterful bowler these days, whereas Hoggard was peripheral for a fair bit of the 2005 Ashes.

66th over: England 200-2 (Trott 18, Pietersen 18) Trott hooks Johnson for a single to bring up the 200. After a difficult start, England are comfortable now. “Composite XIs are a bit pointless,” announces Gary Naylor. “Better to look at the functions of the team and squad. 2010 has a better squad of bowlers (though not a better first-choice group), a better ‘keeper, a better spinner, a better, deeper batting unit and they field just about as well. England 2010 would beat England 2005 in a series, unless England 2005 could keep the Fab Four on the paddock for all five Tests – and the miracle of 2005 is that they did for all but S Jones at The Oval.” Completely disagree with the last point. 2005 would beat 2010 eight times out of 10. They had better players and a better captain, if not a better squad. I’m getting a bit sick of all the revisionism surrounding the 2005 side. It ended hideously, sure, but for 18 months they were exceptional, the best I’ve seen.

67th over: England 204-2 (Trott 21, Pietersen 18) That’s a very nice shot from Trott, a flick through midwicket for two when Hilfenhaus drops short. “In a desperate attempt to keep myself awake, I googled ‘Peppa Pig’,” says Mel Clegg. “Wikipedia has the announcement that Peppa Pig World will open on 9 April 2011 at Paultons Park, Hampshire. Where are you, Matt Delargy? Anywhere near Hampshire?”

68th over: England 206-2 (Trott 22, Pietersen 19) Pietersen pulls a short one for a single. It’s not happening for Johnson. He isn’t spraying it round like he did yesterday, but there’s no discernible wicket-taking threat. “Opposites of ‘bowling dry’,” begins John Starbuck. “Atmospheric, damp, moist, wet, soggy, sodden, drowned.” That bloody word again. Moist.

69th over: England 206-2 (Trott 22, Pietersen 19) “I’d definitely have Strauss 2010 (Leading From the Front edition) over Strauss 2005 (Pudsey Bear edition),” says Tom King. Hmm. 2004-05 Strauss averaged 50.47 to 2009-10 Strauss’s 39.74, and against better attacks too. If you ever watch the DVD of the 2004-05 series in South Africa, the freedom and assertiveness of Strauss’s batting is staggering. He’s not exactly a stonewaller now but he was a different player then. Mind you, being in the form of your life helps.

70th over: England 210-2 (Trott 25, Pietersen 20) There’s not much noise at the G. England are getting ‘em in ones and twos – those consecutive boundaries from Pietersen are the only ones in this hour-long partnership – and that has made for a quiet spell. “I think I’m with you 91% of the way with your team, which I imagine comes as a huge relief,” says Michael Jelley. “But would you really have 05 Strauss over his 10 counterpart? 05 was exciting, but this one (morning after a good score aside) is a cold, reliable machine. On a slight, albeit brief change of theme, is there a single player in this Aus team who’d make the 05 lineup? Hussey for Hayden? Johnson for Dizzy?” Probably the third seamer – Hilfenhaus maybe – and perhaps Hussey for Clarke, although probably not. Again it depends if you go on just that series or (surely preferable) an 18-month period. If it’s the former, Clarke and Hayden drop out for Hussey and Watson. If it’s the latter, I’d say they both stay in.

71st over: England 210-2 (Trott 25, Pietersen 20) Hilfenhaus bowls some marathon spells. This is his eighth over, but those huge shoulders are showing no signs of wilting and it’s another accurate maiden. “I agree that England 2005 had a fabulous 18 months, but the 2010 version have had a pretty decent 18 months too,” says Gary Naylor. “It doesn’t feel that way as the opposition seems weaker, but the performances have been more convincing (with the odd, very big, blip).” More convincing than winning seven in a row at home, beating South Africa 2-1 away (despite not being in great form) and then beating one of the all-time-great sides 2-1? The only way I could see 2010 beating 2005 would be if you played five back-to-back Tests and then squad depth really came into play.

72nd over: England 219-2 (Trott 26, Pietersen 28) I like this move from Ricky Ponting. With 15 minutes to lunch, he decides to investigate whether Kevin Pietersen can resist going after the legspinner Steve Smith. What do you think? Pietersen charges down the track and drags him in the air between midwicket and deep mid-on for four. Two balls later he walks down the track and smokes Smith back over his head imperiously for another boundary. Next! “Regarding the composite team involving England players of recent vintage, I thought that KP in his previous incarnation was reluctant to move up to number 3 and preferred the relative safety of number 4,” says Jon Allison. “It’s a shame we cannot go any further back, because the Michael Vaughan of 2002-2003 was an elegant and effective beast to watch.” Vaughan in 2002 was the most glorious English batting I’ve seen (I only saw DI Gower right at the end of his career.) As for Pietersen, in 2005 his game wasn’t tight enough for him to bat higher than No5. He only went up to No4 during the 2006-07 Ashes.

73rd over: England 219-2 (Trott 26, Pietersen 28) An off-cutter from the indefatigable Hilfenhaus keeps a touch low and Trott just drags his bat down in time. It’s another maiden from Hilfenhaus. He’s bowling desert. “Agree with team and that Vaughan is/was better captain,” says John Harrison. “But think I’d take Andy Flower over Big Dunc as a better coach.” That’s a tough one. Fletcher is certainly a better technical and tactical coach – a genius – but then Flower is such an impressive man in so many different ways. What the hell, let’s have them both.

74th over: England 219-2 (Trott 26, Pietersen 28) There are only a few minutes to lunch, but Pietersen is not going to rein himself in against Smith. He comes down the track and is almost stumped down the leg side; Smith saw him coming I think, and the ball flew off the pad and wide of short leg.

75th over: England 222-2 (Trott 27, Pietersen 30) A run off Hilfenhaus! Postman! Actually it’s not a run, it’s a leg-bye, and it brings up the fifty partnership from 115 balls. Hilfenhaus then zips a bouncer through Pietersen’s attempted swivel pull; he gets the shot right next ball and collects a couple. One over to lunch. “Agree with the comment that the 2005 vintage would have the edge over the current crop,” says Phil Russell. “In terms of side balance, a genuine all-rounder (and talisman to boot) in Flintoff at 6 would make the difference. The key to 2005 was a bowling attack where the pressure was on for the full 90 overs of every ball. (Hoggy – new ball swing, Harmy – bounce, Flintoff – heavy ball, Jones – reverse King of Spain – err bowling dry?) The 2010 side has got a passenger at 6 and only 4 bowlers, meaning they are going to be streched too thinly against a quality line up, even though the consistency of the 2nd string is of a better quality. In short, would the 2010 bowling attack with only the 4 bowlers have beaten a batting line up of Hayden, Langer, Ponting,Martyn, Clarke, Katich, Gilchrist (2005 vintage) in an Ashes series? Think not. The 2005 Aussies were much better than the current ‘worst team ever’ (ahem) and the achievement of beating them needs to be weighted accordingly.” The same is true of South Africa: a draw in 2009-10 is worth a win in 2004-05, but the performances to achieve those results were different. England were outplayed in three of the four games in 2009-10, yet in 2004-05 they arguably had the best of both drawn games. Certainly the second Test; maybe not the fifth, but that was a weird game because of the rain so it’s hard to say who had the better of it.

76th over: England 226-2 (Trott 31, Pietersen 30) Smith bowls the last over before lunch, and Trott works an all-run four through midwicket. That was a decent recovery from England after the early loss of Strauss and Cook, because Australia bowled very well. England have a lead of 128 and 11 sessions in which to retain the Ashes. Thanks for your emails; see you in half an hour.

LUNCH

Essential lunchtime viewing “A storm is coming, Frank Says,” says Jarrod Kimber, who’s only gone and quoted the best film ever. “That storm is the exciting new episode of Two Pricks at the Ashes that features Mitchell Johnson and his nemesis, Watermelons, Paul Newman and men in morph suits kidnapping a tourist. Can you really afford to not link to it on your OBO? I sent this to your hotmail account, I didn’t realise the Guardian allowed you to have a real email address.”

The players are coming out onto the field. We have four overs before the second new ball, which is probably Australia’s last chance to keep the series alive.

77th over: England 235-2 (Trott 35, Pietersen 35) Shane Watson will bowl a bit of filler before the new ball. I say filler; perhaps I should have typed another word that begins with ‘FIL’ because that was an appalling over, full of leg-stump garbage. The first ball was clipped crisply through midwicket for four by Pietersen, and the fifth flicked to fine leg for another boundary by Trott. “‘I just think Anderson… is a pretty masterful bowler these days’,” quotes Rob Marsden. “Newborn Christ on a bike, Rob, that one must have stuck in the craw. Needling aside, do you think we’ve seen the last of Bad Jimmy?” Probably, although he’s got a couple of big challenges coming up: Virender Sehwag next summer, and then a winter on the subcontinent, where he averages 45. That’s one area where Hoggard 2005 wins, at this stage, but Anderson has become a much more rounded bowler in the last 12 months.

78th over: England 236-2 (Trott 35, Pietersen 36) Steve Smith continues, which is a good move for the couple of overs before the new ball. Pietersen drives his first ball for a single and Trott blocks the rest. “I did something like this (the composite team) on one of the blogs as an antidote to post-Adelaide hubris,” says Arron Wright. “I wasn’t being as strict on the batting order as you are, i.e. if Pietersen had spent most of his Test career at four he could go there even though he wasn’t no.4 in 2005. I take Hoggard over Anderson because in the two defining series of your 18-month period which are directly comparable (Aus at home, SA away), Hoggard outperforms Jimmy. 26 in 5 Tests at 25 in SA v 16 in 4 at 34; their Ashes records are pretty similar from memory although I think Hoggard still shades it (I haven’t checked). But basically my point at the time was that 2004/05 wins over 2009/10, and by a significant margin. Seven out of 11 at least.” Aye. Hoggard and Anderson could go either way really.

79th over: England 237-2 (Trott 35, Pietersen 37) A harmless over from Watson. “Couldn’t agree more with regard to 2005 revisionism,” says Richard Kemp. “No England side in living memory has been so consistently good over multiple series and they beat one of the greatest teams in history. However, the current team are surely better than the 1986/7 team. That team has become legendary through beating a team wihich would rank alongside present day New Zealand.” Definitely. Scyld Berry nailed the myth of 1980s English cricket in the very first issue of The Wisden Cricketer. Maybe we should pick a composite side from England’s Ashes teams of 1989 and 1993. That’d be fun, eh?

80th over: England 240-2 (Trott 36, Pietersen 39) Three singles from Smith’s over, and now the contest can resume with Australia taking the second new ball.”Please advise Mel Clegg that on 9th April I will actually be attending the opening of Clegg World,” says Matt Delargy. “A theme park dedicated to Nick Clegg. It only has one ride: a roller coaster. That doesn’t stop for five full years, no matter how much you want it to.”

81st over: England 246-2 (lead by 146; Trott 36, Pietersen 45) Ben Hilfenhaus bowled 10 overs in a row this morning, but he’s content to assume the position once more. He bowls one loosener that Pietersen drives down the ground for four, and then takes the second new ball. This is the Ashes, right here. Pietersen leaves a number of non-swinging deliveries outside off stump. England’s batsmen have left the ball so much better than Australia in this match. Mind you, a tank could have left the ball better than Australia in this match. Pietersen then squirts one through backward point for a couple. “Further to John Starbuck’s list, ‘humid’ would be a nice addition,” says Phil Withall. “And on the subject of ‘moist’, I once used the word in an email to my sister and she refused to speak to me for two months.” If you’d said ‘friend’ rather than ‘sister’, we could have had so much fun with that email. Seconds of fun.

82nd over: England 251-2 (Trott 41, Pietersen 45) Ryan Harris galumphs in and almost snares Trott with his first delivery, which flies off the inside edge and wide of leg stump for four. “Assuming no collapse of spectacular proportions, Strauss’s strategy will be interesting if he has to make a decision,” says Jon Allison. “It’s clear that the first hour of play in a day is the best chance to take wickets, as well as with a new ball. Will any declaration leave England a crack at the Aussies in both those situations at once; would it be tonight to be aggressive and leave the chance of a chase, or does he try to ensure England bat once and leave a draw possible?” I can’t see England declaring tonight. The game is so far advanced that this feels like the third day rather than the second. I think they’ll bat for at least another day, if they aren’t bowled out. If Australia then bat seven sessions to save the game, good luck to them.

83rd over: England 254-2 (Trott 44, Pietersen 45) The Sky commentators, Bumble and Warne, are surprised that Siddle hasn’t taken the new ball. Darn tootin. He’s been the best bowler for Australia on both days, and when Hilfenhaus bowled that marathon spell before lunch I assumed it would be Harris and Siddle with the new ball. Anyway it’s Hilfenhaus to continue, but with the ball not swinging England are comfortable.”Your remark to the effect that this team is greater than the sum of its parts seems apt,” says Jeff Hunter. “Their sense of unity is in stark contrast to that of our team, most of whom are now plagued by head noises.”

84th over: England 259-2 (Trott 45, Pietersen 49) It’s all going off. Pietersen pushes forward defensively at Harris, who doesn’t appeal at all for the caught behind. Haddin does, however, and when Aleem Dar says not out Australia go for the review. The replays are not conclusive – although I reckon he might have hit that – and so the original decision stands: Pietersen is not out. That’s absolutely correct in accordance with the UDRS system. But Australia are furious and a group of them, led by Ricky Ponting, moan at Aleem Dar for at least minute, wagging their fingers and demanding an explanation. This is bang out of order. Now Ponting is moaning at Tony Hill. I like Ponting a lot and reckon he gets an unfair press much of the time, but that was really poor. He lost it. He’ll not be taking a match fee home after this game, or at least he shouldn’t.

85th over: England 261-2 (Trott 46, Pietersen 50) Pietersen works Hilfenhaus to leg to bring up a very good fifty, one that is dismally greeted with a few boos.

86th over: England 262-2 (Trott 46, Pietersen 51) Snicko suggests that Pietersen definitely did not inside edge that ball. So Australia’s complaints were not only excessive, but also ill-founded.

WICKET! England 262-3 (Pietersen LBW b Siddle 51) Peter Siddle strikes with the third ball of his new spell. Pietersen jumped back in his crease and missed an attempted whip at a straight one that kept a touch low and would have hit leg stump halfway up. That was plumb. Pietersen started to walk off, turned around for a second to contemplate the review and then walked off again after Trott advised him that he was stone dead. A bit of a soft end to an excellent innings, but well done Peter Siddle: he has figures of three for 31 and, crucially, Australia now have Paul Collingwood in against the new ball.

87th over: England 263-3 (Trott 46, Collingwood 1) Collingwood gets off the mark in unconvincing style, pushing a good delivery not far wide of leg stump. “Rob,” says Gary Naylor, “you have often championed rotation amongst bowlers and this 2010 squad has the best options for rotation I can recall, especially when you factor in Monty for Swanny. The 2005 squad didn’t need to rotate as much, but I don’t think Harmison, Jones and Flintoff could deal with the intensity of the Test calendar today and who would come in for them? Saj? Plunkett?” Well that’s true up to a point. If you look at that 18-month period, England hardly had to look beyond their first-choice bowlers. Saggers? Batty? Hmm. But then the very fact England did not really have to look beyond them suggests it’s legitimate to assume the health of that attack in this kind of fantasy scenario, surely. Plus they could always go to four bowlers, as they did at The Oval in 2005, if one got injured. And finally, England have only played one more Test in each of the last two years than they did in 2004 and 2005.

88th over: England 267-3 (Trott 46, Collingwood 5) Harris has a confident shout for LBW against Collingwood, but it was too high. Collingwood then snicks a drive in the air through gully for four. He is all over the place, but there’s something perversely reassuring about that. No Collingwood match- or career-saving epic is complete without a disgraceful first 20 balls. Remember Cardiff? Back-to-back emails from Gary Naylor, but he makes a good point here. “That’s McEnroe dissent from Ponting, intended to upset the umpire and the opponent, knocking them out of a comfortable phase of play. It would be ironic if he were to be suspended for his ‘final’ Test and, if truth be told, he should be.” Is there precedent for a player being banned for dissent? If not, there should be after this. It was disgraceful.

89th over: England 270-3 (Trott 49, Collingwood 5) Trott survives a spandex-tight run-out referral. He whipped Siddle through midwicket and came back for a dodgy third. Ponting’s throw from the deep was outstanding but Trott’s desperate dive just saved him. It was a split-frame affair. On the first he was out of his ground but the bails had not been broken; on the second the bails were dancing but Trott was home.

90th over: England 277-3 (Trott 53, Collingwood Trott works Harris to leg for a single that brings up another unobtrusive fifty, this one with just two fours. His Test average is inching back towards 60. Collingwood’s is inching below 40, but he’ll be pleased with that shot, a confident ping through the covers for three. “What was Ponting thinking?” says Steve Anthony. “Sheer desperation I fear. Actually it was genuinely quite depressing to watch, for one horrible minute I thought he was gonna thump Aleem Dar (the best umpire in the world today, in my view).” I agree about Aleem Dar. Apparently it has been suggested that Ponting and the rest saw a little white mark on Hotspot (which presumably was bat on pad), hence their complaints. But even if they saw Pietersen knock the leather off the bugger, they should not have behaved like that. The fact they had no legitimate grounds for complaint just makes it even worse. They have had a complete shocker. They disgraced themselves by flapping outside off stump yesterday and they’ve disgraced themselves by flapping their gums today.

DRINKS Still, it could have been worse.

91st over: England 281-3 (Trott 57, Collingwood A good over from Siddle ends with a shortish delivery that is whapped through midwicket for four by Trott. England’s lead is 183. “The best thing Ponting could do now is go on TV after the day’s play, say he was wrong to act like that towards the umpires, apologise, and say that he will donate to charity whatever portion of his match fee he is left with, after any pending punishment,” says Jon Allison. “A veteran of 150 Tests should not be setting that example, even if he has been fantastic over the years.”

WICKET! England 281-4 (Collingwood c Siddle b Johnson Another bowling change brings an instant wicket. Mitchell Johnson returns and strikes with his third ball, which Collingwood pulls right down the throat of Siddle at fine leg. That’s a dreadful shot in truth. Australia celebrate in a way that suggests they still feel they are in this Test. Collingwood’s appalling run continues, and if he doesn’t get runs at Sydney it will surely be his last Test.

92nd over: England 283-4 (Trott 58, Bell 1) Ian Bell has all the time in the world to play a proper innings now, with Trott for company and a beefed-up lower order to come. “1989-1993 “The horror” (79th over)” begins Arron Wright. “Leaving out people like Robinson, Tavare and Emburey, who are closely associated with successful Ashes series, a composite 1989/1993 side might read… MN Lathwell 93, JP Stephenson 89, MW Gatting* both (breaking my own rule because I despise him for going to SA in 1989 and despise the selectors for recalling him in 1992/93), KJ Barnett (scored 80 but buggered off to SA; surprisingly few middle-order numpties to choose from actually), MP Maynard 93, DJ Capel 89, RC Russell+ 89 (the only position that demands picking a decent player), EE Hemmings 89 (was he picked in 89 on the strength of his last-ball four to win the B&H?) MC Ilott 93, MJ McCague 93, AP Igglesden 89. I think a composite Aussie side chosen from the worst of 1985 and 2010/11 would still beat the above rabble.” On a serious note, there is no way McCague should be in there. I’m getting angry just thinking about it. This is a disgrace! Bowled beautifully at Trent Bridge and then got spanked all round Headingley when he was half fit That’s a relatively pristine balance sheet for an England player in those two series. You could chuck Phil Newport in, or Martin Bicknell, or Paul Jarvis, or CC Lewis (for that stumping at Lord’s alone, never mind a bowling average of 119). So much choice!

93rd over: England 283-4 (Trott 58, Bell 1) Siddle is steaming in and beats Bell with a fine delivery. A maiden. “Agree that Ponting’s display was abhorrent, but can you people just let it go?!” says Sarah Bacon. “FFS, it was AWFUL, and I am disappointed and disgusted in equal measure, but most of all, I was very sad watching him reduced to such desperate measures.” Agreed. Let’s talk about the good things in life, namely that composite 1989-1993 XI.

94th over: England 284-4 (Trott 59, Bell 1) A tidy over from Johnson brings just a single. “I find about half a dozen double entendres in the Shane Warne poker ad,” says Marie Meyer. “Anyone else?”

95th over: England 286-4 (Trott 61, Bell 1) In isolation, Australia have had a really good day, restricting England to 129 for four from 48 overs on a flat deck. Trouble is, of course, they have a lot more catch-up cricket after they were lapped on the first day. Twice. “Bad news and good news simultaneously,” says Steve Anthony. “I think this series is the end of Colly as a Test player, but the good news is that he can be quietly eased from the side at the end of what will (hopefully!) be a triumphant series for England, and we’ll have those brilliant catches to remember and never mind about his poor form with the bat. Colly has been such a stalwart of this side, a man who’s made the maximum of limited abilities, but whether or not he makes another ‘career-saving’ ton in a winning cause in Sydney, it’s time for him to call time. And I reckon he will. Hope he carries on for a year or two in the one-day and Twenty20 sides though…” I suspect he will go at the end of the series but it’s hard to be certain that he is shot as a Test player. He looked in even worse nick during the last three Tests of the last Ashes series but then had a fantastic winter.

WICKET! England 286-5 (Bell c Siddle b Johnson 1) Oh, Belly. He tried to hook a good short ball from Johnson that was too high and too wide for him to control the stroke, and Siddle at fine leg charged in to take a brilliant low catch as he tumbled forward. It was a daft stroke from Bell, really, but what a day Siddle is having. Three wickets and two catches. I bet he doesn’t drink Carling Black Label.

96th over: England 286-5 (Trott 61, Prior 0) England’s lead is 188. If Australia can keep that lead to 250, or 300 at most, and then get 450 themselves, I may pull a sickie on the last day and immerse myself in a bottle of Laphroaig, we will have quite the denouement. “Two junior doctors from Leeds sat at the MCG!” write Shiba Sinha and Sarah Stevens. “As voted for by the fourth umpire, we support KP for beard of the year, especially after that 50! The Barmy Army have just also trounced the Aussies in a sing off!” I am not jealous I am not jealous I am not jealous I am not jealWHY MEous I am not jealous I am not jealous I am not jeALONEalous I am not jeKINGS CROSSalous I am not jealoCAFFEINE DRIPus I aEYEBALLSm not jealous I am not jeaLOSING ITlous I am not jealous.

97th over: England 289-5 (Trott 63, Prior 1) Hilfenhaus replaces Siddle and bowls his last delivery almost before Trott is ready. “He’s done him there,” says Bumble, who has been suggesting all year that bowlers should do that to rip Trott from his bubble. Can you rip someone from a bubble? You’d have to burst the bubble first and then you wouldn’t be ripping them from anything, would you? Whatever. “And here I was getting depressed about working nightshift, missus shacking up with a younger man and getting orange size socks for Christmas,” says Adam Fitzgibbon. “Johnson working magic. Love it.” Where’s that eek emoticon?

98th over: England 294-5 (Trott 63, Prior 5) Johnson tries that very high bouncer to Prior, but this is far too high and called wide. Prior then pokes nervously outside off and edges low to third man for four. “View from over here in Oz is that Hadden made the P sign, Ponting did not confirm, but Dar referred up anyway – when confirmed not out, Dar told Ponting he had lost a referral,” says Chris Gottlieb. “Complaints were about losing the referral when Ponting had not asked for one. Still not appropriate though.” That’s interesting. I’m almost certain I saw Ponting make a referral sign. Aleem Dar also clearly demonstrated the movement of Pietersen’s bat, which suggests that Ponting’s complaints were about the decision rather than a referral. But we’ll not know for sure until the end of the day’s play.

99th over: England 294-5 (Trott 63, Prior 5) A maiden from Hilfenhaus to Prior. Ten minutes to tea. “Sehwag got a one-match ban for dissent in 2001,” says Will Critchlow. “So there is precedent. Not sure the ICC will slam one on Ponting, although they probably should.” They should. I’d forgotten all about that Sehwag incident, and the depressing fallout.

100th over: England 301-5 (Trott 64, Prior 10) You could not make this up. Matt Prior edges a fine delivery through to Brad Haddin and walks off – but Aleem Dar tells him to hang on because he wants to check with the third umpire whether it is a no-ball. And it is! Johnson had overstepped! “Count to ten, Ricky…” chuckles Bumble, before adding that it’s “brave umpiring”. Too right it is, especially in view of what happened earlier in the session. Outstanding work from Aleem Dar, and another triumph for the UDRS. Australia accepted the decision without complaint. Prior compounds their frustration by driving through extra cover for four. “Aversion to the word ‘moist’ is not uncommon, even in non-cricket related circumstances,” says Morgan Giles. “Additionally, if you were to print this email, it would drive my husband insane in a way I could never achieve on my own. He knows who he is.” The Guardian OBO: driving husbands wild – so you don’t have to.

101st over: England 304-5 (Trott 65, Prior 12) A schoolboy error from David Adams, who includes the non-playing John Morris in his composite Ashes XI: Curtis, Moxon, Gatting, Morris, Stephenson, Hussain (c), Russell, Foster, McCague, Jarvis, Cook. Harsh on Fozzie, that, and WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE PICK MCCAGUE. Prior cuts Hilfenhaus through the covers for a couple from the last ball before tea. He will play positively, and if he gets in he could take the game away from Australia. For now they are still in it, just about, with England leading by 206. See you in 15 minutes for the final session.

TEA

A teatime tale, from Paul Beaumont “So as folk sit at home watching the inevitable batting collapse with the remains of their Christmas hangover still needling, consider this man; my former football team captain, alcoholic, McDonald’s addict and all round good egg Neil O’Maonaigh-Lennon has just completed, yes you are reading correctly, 105 marathons in 105 days, running the length of the UK. All funded via credit card debts, all in order to raise £10,000 for Cancer Research. People do a lot of sponsored 3m walks and bungee jumping that is either trivial or just something they would like to do anyway; this is something worth donating for – while this is not obviously Ashes related – I”m sure our Aussie cousins can appreciate what an effing amazing achievement this is. The previous world record btw was 52 marathons in 52 days…” That’s extraordinary. You can read all about it, and also donate, here.

102nd over: England 311-5 (Trott 70, Prior 14) Mitchell Johnson resumes after tea and Trott works each of the first three deliveries through midwicket: the first two for two and the third for one. Trott has hit only three boundaries in his innings, and he will not give a solitary one about that. His concentration is eerie. Prior has a daft pull at the next ball and skies it over the cordon. They all charge back towards the boundary like men chasing a truck that’s getting away with their goddamn loot, but the ball lands safely and Prior gets a couple. Here’s Neill Brown. “Thanks to my terrific wife, for Christmas, not only did I get prime seats for yesterday’s joyous day of cricket,” – UNSUBSCRIBE! – “I also received Khiels facial toner and anti-aging mosturiser. In front of the tv, applying said skincare products whilst watching Peter Siddle and Ryan Harris bound and snarl their way around the MCG is an emasculating experience.” I can’t believe how many folk have been at the MCG these last two days. I am not jealous.

103rd over: England 312-5 (Trott 71, Prior 14) One from Hilfenhaus’s over. Harry Jervis, an old schoolmate of Bull’s, has been sending in some gems during today’s play, both from TMS and his own brain. Here’s the latest: “I’m pondering the mechanics of e-mail pulling. You know that? You wait. They make you wait. You have to be patient. Good things come and all that… I guess it’s like this. As of old, time was a factor. but now we don’t factor time. Everything’s instant. Time. I still believe in time.” Talking of time, this is one of the best pieces of music you’ll hear this year.

104th over: England 313-5 (Trott 72, Prior 14) Johnson is in a nice groove and is using the bouncer sparingly and effectively. He would want another go at Prior, but Trott blocks most of that over and then pulls a single round the corner. This has been another masterpiece of anonymity from him. “Greetings from A&E at Trafford General in Manchester where I sit with a five-year-old Oliver who hasn’t eaten in eight days,” says Chris Leigh. “Since many doctors seem to enjoy OBO, could I perhaps plead that if any are in said A&E and could see him that would be lovely. Or maybe a simple get well would be nice.” Man, that’s awful. Good luck getting treatment for him.

105th over: England 317-5 (Trott 76, Prior 14) Trott inside edges Hilfenhaus right onto the kneebone and collapses to the floor. He is in a lot of pain. He really is struggling, but after a couple of minutes’ treatment he gets to his feet, swallows a couple of painkillers and resumes his innings. Earlier in the over he had tickled a yorker to fine leg for his fourth boundary. “I’m confused by Harry Jervis’s email,” says Lizzy Ammon. “Is he referring to pulling in a cricketing context or pulling in an essex nightclub context?” As a great man once said, to me the two are not mutually exclusive.

106th over: England 321-5 (Trott 79, Prior 15) Trott pings Johnson through the covers and limps through for three runs. Australia have gone a little flat. Time to unleash Siddle on his old chum Prior, surely. “Hi Rob,” says Alison Cawley. “I’m a Pom who’s been living in Perth for the last five years. Loving the MCG action… Thought you might like this email, received from an Australian friend (and Waca member) yesterday …

Anything but Cricket

System Administrator advises this message is undeliverable…. error code 3-1…..Please note: All correspondence which contains key words “cricket” or “ashes” cannot be delivered to this Email address. User settings will revert to normal in 5 days time. All other communication will be delivered through normal channels. For more information on this problem ring (08) 92004600

“

107th over: England 328-5 (Trott 80, Prior 21) Hilfenhaus, whose series average of 136.50 is more than a little unjust, continues to plug away on and around off stump. When he rams in the surprise bouncer, Prior top-edges a hook right over the keeper’s head for four. He looks in dreadful nick but his approach – hit the thing, hard and often – is definitely the right one. “It’s kind of like an orgasm getting a nod on OBO,” says Harry Jervis. “You have a wand there Rob. Use it.” I’ll swap the wand for one snifter of what you’re drinking, Jervis.

108th over: England 337-5 (Trott 85, Prior 25) Ryan Harris is on for Mitchell Johnson. His fourth ball is too straight and Trott’s handsome on-drive races to the boundary. His career average is back above 60, and very few players with 1000 Test runs can match that. Prior cuts airily for four to complete an expensive over and bring up a rapid fifty partnership from 76 balls. It’s slipping away from Australia.

109th over: England 340-5 (Trott 87, Prior 26) “If we get through this Test alive,” says Jonah Gadsby, “I’ll be here next week same place same time.” He’s a trooper.

110th over: England 340-5 (Trott 87, Prior 26) Thanks to Peter Hanes for this spot: England’s best batsmen against Australia (qualification: 500 runs).

111th over: England 347-5 (Trott 91, Prior 29) Michael Clarke comes on to bowl his left-arm spin for the first time in the series. Clarke’s Test bowling average is still in the thirties but that’s entirely because of those two daft spells against India. A very gentle first over is milked for seven. “Reading about a decent English performance in Australia is helping me recover from an odd, but enjoyable, Boxing Day in the States,” says Robin Smith. “My wonderful American wife invited friends and family over for an ‘English’ repast of Indian food. I failed terribly at explaining what ‘Boxing Day’ means to the English. Ate a lot of good food though.”

112th over: England 347-5 (Trott 91, Prior 29) On Sky, Nasser and Bumble are wondering why Siddle hasn’t bowled for an hour and a half. It’s a pretty reasonable point, not least because Prior is at the crease. Prior, who has been skittish in the extreme, is beaten by consecutive deliveries from Harris during another maiden. England’s lead stays at 249. “Hi Rob, I’m still here,” says Mike Down, “what would you like to talk about? How about something topical… what’s the worst Xmas present you’ve ever received? My ex-wife once got a splash guard for a frying pan from my mother!” I can’t think of a single bad present. This can’t be right. Ah, hang on. An Inbetweeners DVD. No not that one, this one.

113th over: England 348-5 (Trott 92, Prior 29) I have no idea why Clarke is bowling. These are just free runs. Buy one get one free. “Worst-ever Christmas present,” begins Lizzy Ammon. “Soap on a rope in the shape of a Jim’ll Fix It badge.”

114th over: England 348-5 (Trott 92, Prior 29) Trott is drawn into a drive well wide of off stump by Harris, and squirts it on the bounce to Hussey at gully. He reaches for an even wider delivery later in the over and is beaten. Australia have obviously decided to try to bore Trott out. Good luck with that. “Home for Christmas and I’ve been watching the cricket with my Dad and he was, for want of a better word, frustrated, at the Pietersen dismissal (and the following slow-time around 280),” says Andrew Latimer. “But I think it’s worth retaining some perspective that even at England breaking 300, Australia’s task remains monumental after the damage being largely inflicted on day one. Of course any runs on top of 300 is a bonus, adding to their task (and allowing us to hopefully clasp an emphatic victory) but Australia have to not only bat prolifically, but bowl tremendously well afterwards (and the pitch now favours the batsmen).” Aye, and there are still more than three days remaining. It will take a monstrous effort to get out of this.

115th over: England 352-5 (Trott 94, Prior 31) Four singles from Clarke’s over. This is utterly pointless from Australia, like the middle overs of a one-day game. “A female colleague of mine recieved a bra with chicken fillet inserts from her husband,” says Nick Rea. “Let’s say it didn’t go down too well.”

116th over: England 354-5 (Trott 95, Prior 32) Prior has a fiddle at a good one from Harris and is beaten. He’s in hopeless nick. “Cool to see my husband appear on the OBO – a St. Louis Missouri time zone perk, I suppose,” says Jana Byington-Smith. “Why does he keep chortling when I ask how Ricky Ponting is getting along? By the way, worst Christmas present was a loss to Everton when it was City’s first shot at the top Christmas ranking in 82 years (well, maybe not the worst present ever, but it was one crap moment that came to mind right away).”

117th over: England 354-5 (Trott 95, Prior 32) Michael Clarke is replaced by Steve Smith. He bowls a decent first over to Prior, a maiden.

118th over: England 365-5 (Trott 106, Prior 32) Trott reaches an excellent century with his favourite shot, a flip through midwicket for four off Harris. It’s his third hundred against Australia in only five Tests, and his fifth overall. What a find he has been. Geoff Miller and the other selectors deserve so much credit for picking him at a time when some idiots were calling for Key, Ramprakash, Key and more Key, vicar. Trott squirts four more to third man, one hand coming off the bat. Eleven from the over, and the lead is now 267. “Having seen Trott’s record against Australia via Peter Hanes’ link in the 110th over, I looked at Mr IJL Trott’s profile,” says Jon Allison. “He is described as ‘An aggressive right-hander’, one whose strike rate stands at the Chris Tavare/Mark Richardson level of 48 runs per 100 balls.” Have a look at Tavare’s strike rate…

119th over: England 367-5 (Trott 107, Prior 33) A quiet over from Smith. Sky have just shown Trott’s wagon wheel, and 85 of his 107 runs have come on the leg side. “Just woken up (can’t do two all-nighters),” says Dave Forrest. “Have I missed anything?” Well… actually, for those waking up after a night’s sleep of which I am not at all jealous, the most notable incident of the day was Ricky Ponting having a long moan at Aleem Dar after Kevin Pietersen was (rightly) given not out on review. He was completely out of order and might be banned.

120th over: England 371-5 (Trott 107, Prior 37) Siddle returns after an absence of almost two hours. After five good deliveries, the sixth is a touch wide and Prior flails it behind point for four. “Soap on a rope in the shape of a Jim’ll Fix It badge is the worst-ever Christmas present?” sniffs Mofaha. “Surely that’s a matter of context isn’t it? In the late 70′s maybe it wouldn’t have been much of a treat, but in 2010 it would some kind of post-modern ironic gift of genius. If Lizzy Ammon doesn’t want hers I’ll forward my address.” [Arthur Daley]I’ll bet you will sunshine[/Arthur Daley].

121st over: England 378-5 (Trott 109, Prior 42) Smith goes around the wicket to Trott. It’s important that England don’t let the game drift and allow Smith to bowl some cheap overs. Prior should be the one to go after him. For now he’s happy with low-risk ones and twos. “Like Jeremy Clarkson in orthopaedic shoes, I stand corrected and guilty of slight hyperbole on Trott’s strike rate,” says Jon Allison. “However, if we were all to follow Mike Hussey’s lead and give players nicknames which double as Mr Men, Trott would be Mr Invisible, because he just accumulates without anybody really noticing he is there.” True. And a strike-rate of 30 in Tavare’s day is probably worth around 40 now, so the gap isn’t that great.

122nd over: England 384-5 (Trott 115, Prior 42) Four more to Trott, played down through the cordon off Siddle. They must be completely sick of him. If you employ a not unreasonable qualification of 500 runs, nobody in the history of the game has a higher Test average against Australia.

123rd over: England 388-5 (Trott 117, Prior 44) That’s the hundred partnership, a relatively breezy effort from 162 balls. England are closing in on a first-innings lead of 300 – for the second time in the series. Incredible. Smith is wheeling away from around the wicket. Every now and then, you forget where you are and see a blond leggie going at England from around the wicket and you think it’s 1994-95 and the ball’s going to rip violently from the rough and you think DOOM. But then you realise that it’s okay. Everything’s okay.

124th over: England 388-5 (Trott 117, Prior 44) Trott digs out a lovely yorker from Siddle. It’s been a long day and, after another drinks break, we shall have the final 13 overs. “England are in a commanding position obviously, but with so much time left in the match and a flattening pitch all three results are still possible,” says Matt Gentleman. “Aussies have bowled pretty poorly – especially at Trott who they needed to bowl full and get it reversing. Anything back of a length is a gimme. You wouldn’t bet against Hussey and Ponting batting for two days if Matt Prior can get 43 when he’s on no form whatsoever. Going to be interesting to see if it’ll turn for Swanny. The Aussie part-time spinners have looked very ordinary.” There are two big factors: Swann, and scoreboard pressure. We’ve seen some pretty improbable draws on dying pitches in recent times, but this game is so far advanced. Australia will need to bat for at least six sessions. If they do that, well played lads and see you in Sydney.

125th over: England 393-5 (Trott 121, Prior 45) A full toss from Smith is put away expertly by Trott, who splits the men at midwicket and mid on. England’s lead is 295, which is more than the largest first-innings deficit that has been overturned to win a Test match: 291 in that wonderful game in Colombo in 1992. If you’re not familiar with it, have a look at the scorecard. What a game. “Do you remember the Beckham deliberately getting a yellow card so he would be banned for the next (meaningless) match?” says Phil Keegan. “I think Punter is on to the same scam here…he is trying to get himself banned before he is sacked… and it is kind of annoying because the Aussies will have to pick someone who might actually score some runs… damn annoying really but pretty crafty on Punter’s part… has he been doing TV adverts with Beckham Down Under?”

126th over: England 400-5 (Trott 125, Prior 48) Trott drives Siddle through the covers for four to bring up the 400. Runs are coming easily against a tiring attack. “Just had to get this off my chest,” says Arvind Ramanan, before doing precisely that. “Jonathan Trott is a modern-day Javed Miandad. Fairly competent, looks like a prick, hangs around always and is an absolute irritant of a batsman. Seriously, I don’t think he is as good as this Australian attack is making him look.” I’m sure he isn’t, and his Test average will probably settle in the mid-40s by the time he retires, but just one small thing: Javed Miandad was ‘fairly competent’? I’ll LOL to that.

127th over: England 404-5 (Trott 125, Prior 52) Prior pulls some utter filth from Smith over midwicket to reach his first fifty of the series and his third against Australia. He has been in no sort of touch but has continued to play his shots, which is good to see. After all that nonsense in 2007 he has matured into such an impressive player.”I hope they do ban Ponting,” says Dave Forrest, “but no doubt it will be a 25 per cent match fee fine. Someone needs to take a stance; it’s becoming all too apparent that it is occurring more and more in weekend cricket.” I think he’ll get a one-match ban. Ranjan Madugalle, the match referee, doesn’t mess around.

128th over: England 405-5 (Trott 126, Prior 52) A sharp bouncer from the returning Johnson forces Trott to abort his planned hook stroke. He then squirts the last delivery for a single. “Worst Xmas presents,” says Tim Woollias. “Late 80s or early 90s, a ‘family present’ of a video camera. My stepsister thought it would be good to video the hour and a half of present opening in its entirety and then immediately watch it back. You think you’ve made a reasonable job of faking sincerity on receiving a box set of Boots shower gel, but the replay picks up all sorts of errors in your technique.” Arf. What about your technique when you receive a present that you shouldn’t know about but do? That exposes all sorts of cracks.

129th over: England 415-5 (Trott 131, Prior 57) Prior gets down on one knee and swipes Smith over midwicket for a handsome one-bounce four, the third of which is his 2000th Test run. Trott then eases four more down the ground. This is too easy. “So Arvind Ramanan thinks Miandad as fairly competent,” says Mike Down. “8832 runs at 5.57. I suppose on that basis Bradman was half-decent!” You’ve got to love typos.

130th over: England 425-5 (Trott 132, Prior 66) Trott edges an attempted hook at Johnson through to Haddin – but Australia decide not to review it. Oh my. What a day they’ve had. They’ll be bringing Frank Spencer on to bowl in a minute. They only had one review left, and didn’t want to risk it, but replays showed a very thin tickle, either off the edge or the glove. At least I think they did. It’s been a long day. I’m almost certain he hit it. Prior then steers four more to third man. He is playing well now. “Colombo 1992,” says Nick Allan. “There were 58 extras (lb23, w1, nb34) in Australia’s second innings. Ramanayake was responsible for 16nb alone. Without those, Sri Lanka would have drawn.” Good old Champaka Ramanayake. I know the Ratnayekes were good, and Asantha de Mel, but really: how the flip did Sri Lanka get by before Chaminda Vaas?

131st over: England 427-5 (Trott 134, Prior 66) Trott pulls the new bowler Watson for two, and that makes this England’s highest sixth-wicket partnership at Melbourne: 141 not out. Blimey, on Sky, Bumble says that some respected judges are calling for Ponting to be sacked for wagging his finger at Aleem Dar. That would be over the top, surely. One thing’s for sure: he probably shouldn’t have any barmaids in his hotel room tonight. “Hang on,” says Mike Dean, “I’ve just found a 2 on the floor, I must have dropped it in the 129th over…”

132nd over: England 432-5 (Trott 138, Prior 66) Trott flicks a short one from Johnson along the ground for four, right through a tired attempt from Hilfenhaus at fine leg. “My brother and I had sneaked around trying to find the Atari we were anticipating for Christmas, only to discover a Philips Videopac hidden away in a cupboard,” says Allan Hobbs. “Our reaction upon this discovery is not recorded, but suffice to say it was only marginally better than when we opened the thing on the day itself and truly comprehended how rubbish it was (this was pre-internet and we had stubbornly refused to believe the evidence of the description in the Argos catalogue).”

133rd over: England 437-5 (Trott 138, Prior 71) That’s a superb stroke from Prior, a trademark smack through the covers for four off Watson. It brings up the 150 partnership. “Question for you: has any Test cricketer ever wielded a cricket bat like it’s a light sabre more than than Matt Prior?” wrote Dan Barker just before Prior played that stroke. “I’m thinking specifically of those drives he smacks square of the wicket, followed by that ludicrous flourish. That is all.”

134th over: England 439-5 (Trott 138, Prior 73) Five minutes’ play remaining. “Well Rob, now that everyone has latched on to the ‘fairly competent’ and forgotten the point about Trott, you have to publish my defence as well,” says Arvind Ramanan. “Miandad had great numbers, just like Trott. Miandad was an absolute pain to watch, just like Trott. Trust me, the numbers aren’t everything. I have had the misfortune of watching him play. Can you remember a signature shot, apart from the nurdle?” Wasn’t he a great cutter? I do see what you mean, in terms of unobtrusive accumulation. But Miandad is one of the all-time greats.

135th over: England 442-5 (Trott 139, Prior 75) Time for one more over.

136th over: England 444-5 (Trott 141, Prior 75) That’s the end of another superb day for England, who lead by 346 and are so close to retaining the Ashes. Congratulations to Jonathan Trott, who again demonstrated his immense mental strength and ability. Yet today will be remembered for Ricky Ponting’s contretemps with Aleem Dar. It was a long way from Mike Gatting and Shakoor Rana, but it was still unacceptable and he will be assuming the position in front of the match referee Ranjan Madugalle at some stage over the next few hours. Thanks for your company during another long and happy night. See you tomorrow.

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